


I am yours to keep and I am yours to loose

by nicole_scully



Category: Phoebe Buffay/Chandler Bing - Fandom
Genre: Chandler Bing - Freeform, Chanoebe, F/M, Phoebe Buffay - Freeform, friends - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-04
Updated: 2019-08-04
Packaged: 2020-07-31 00:44:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20106376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nicole_scully/pseuds/nicole_scully
Summary: He will always go back to her.





	I am yours to keep and I am yours to loose

**Author's Note:**

> I’m sorry for the errors that I might left in there, feel free to share your opinion about the story and I really hope you enjoy it :)

Candlelight was dancing in the darkness of the living room. It almost made the objects come to life with its mysterious and invisible power, shadows were playing games on the walls of the room and the majestic light ruled the place. But the candle was almost ready for its final wish, as its own proud flame was slowly killing it. Made to be admired by its own beauty, as well as be destroyed by it. Light green eyes were mesmerised by the flames and were heavy with sadness. 

Phoebe sighed, for the hundredth time that night. She sat alone in Joey and Chandler’s living room, staring at the food she prepared for them. Chandler should’ve came home two hours ago. He said that he will be a little late, but two hours were horrendous, Phoebe thought. It was their one year anniversary and she offered to make dinner by the time Chandler comes home, but he never even called that he would be much more late. 

While playing with the fork, she thought about the past months. They became a couple a year ago and everything was perfect. They were best friends before they realised their feelings for each other and they were great together. Their chemistry was over the roof, they completed each other. Or so she thought. But lately he was acting distant. He barely touched her, he spent all his time at work and he already ditched her four times. But leaving her hanging on their one year anniversary? That hurt. 

Finally, the door opened and Chandler walked in. He seemingly didn’t notice the food Phoebe carefully prepared, or Phoebe herself, he just went straight to the fridge and opened it.  
“Hey” Phoebe spoke up carefully. Chandler lifted his head up and gave her an emotionless smile.  
“Hey Pheebs. How’s it going?” He asked as if he didn’t just ditch his girlfriend for the fifth time.  
“You were supposed to be home two hours ago. I prepared dinner for us” she said, standing up and hugged herself. Could he forget their anniversary?  
“Oh” He said and his eyes moved to the table in the middle of the living room.  
“I already eat in the office with Eva, I think I’ll pass dinner” he said grabbing a bottle of water out of the fridge and heading towards their bedroom.  
Eva was Chandler’s new secretary. She was tall, with gorgeous brunette curls, tanned skin, hazel eyes, big boobs and never ending legs. Next to her, Phoebe felt like nothing. She saw the way he looked at her. The hunger in his eyes. And Phoebe unconsciously compared her body to Eva’s. Three months ago she started eating less and constantly checked herself and her weight. She wanted to be like Eva. So he would look at her that way too. But it didn’t matter how she tried, she just couldn’t measure up to her. And so Chandler spent less time home with her, and more time at work with Eva. He never even noticed her weight loss. And whenever she brought it up, he dismissed her with a wave of his hand.  
“You’re being silly” he would say. “I only love you” Then he would kiss her and make her believe. But lately he didn’t even do that. He let her mind eating her soul away and made her think the worst. 

“Don’t you think you spend too much time with her and not enough with me?” She asked turning to face him. He stopped and sighed.  
“Not this again Pheebs. I’m tired and all I wanna do is go to bed. I’m not in the mood for your games.” He said and looked at her with hard eyes.  
“You ditched me on my birthday. And today’s our one year anniversary. And you come home and tell me, you spent our anniversary with her and you don’t even look at the dinner I prepared for us?” She said and felt tears in her eyes. This isn’t how it was supposed to go. It was supposed to be magical. 

You crossed the line and I lost my mind. 

“Phoebe I’m begging you. Not today” he said tiredly and walked into the bedroom, slamming the door behind him. Phoebe ran to the door and started banging on it with her fists. She won’t let it go. Not this time. When Chandler finally opened it and gave her a warning look, Phoebe didn’t back down.  
“Do you love her? Is there anything going on between you two?” She asked, nearly screamed at him.  
“Phoebe” Chandler growled for her to stop.  
“Why else would you ditch me? Why else wouldn’t you touch me or be with me? Don’t you love me anymore? Did you sleep with her?” Phoebe was now crying openly. The tears were rolling down on her cheeks in big fat drops and she was hitting him on the chest with both of her fists. Make him feel the pain she felt.  
“I KISSED HER OKAY?!” He screamed into her face and caught her wrists before the next blow could hit him.  
“I kissed her. And it felt good. I had enough of your stupid songs or your horrible way of playing guitar. I had enough of your immaturity. I am through with your whining about things and I am over-...” he couldn’t finish the sentence because Phoebe’s palm made a sharp contact with his left cheek. She slapped him. It stung and Chandler was stunned for a second. 

Phoebe felt numb. She couldn’t breathe. It was as if she was drowning. Her lungs burned and it didn’t matter how hard she tried to breathe, every inhale and exhale was like a knife cutting its way out.

Broken promises and slamming doors. 

She felt her heart starting to ache and every throb was sharp and painful, like millions of tiny needles were embedded in her chest and she felt like her brain stopped functioning. She couldn’t think. She swore she heard her heart shatter into a million pieces and judging by his expression, he heard it too. 

Is this love or war?

Grabbing his coat, he made his way to the door.  
“Where are you going?” She asked, her voice thin and weak.  
“Away from you” came the short answer and the only sound after that, was the sound of the door closing, creating a banter between them. 

Phoebe just stood there, still looking at the door. Seconds later, reality dawned on her. He’s going to leave her. She walked backwards, until her back hit the wall and slowly slid down. She pinched herself, dug her nails into her palm, dragged her them across her scalp, face and arms. Anything just to feel something. Because right now all she could feel is a big and fat nothing. Emptiness. She tried to imagine her life without him, but her brain just wasn’t capable of cooperating. Because there was no life without him. He was her everything and without him she had nothing.  
She thought back to the time when he took her Canada. His dad owned a wooden cabin somewhere in British Columbia and Chandler surprised her with a trip for the Christmas Holidays. The best two weeks of her life. 

****

“Pheebs! Pheebs you here?” I was folding the clothes in our bedroom when heard Chandler shouting. I dropped the shirt and ran out, wanting to make sure everything was alright. But he was smiling and I allowed my heart to fill up with so much love for him, like everytime I see his eyes lit up at the sight of me. He was perfect. Perfect to me and perfect for me.  
“Phoebe I’ve got a surprise for you” he beamed and held out an white envelope for me to take it. He didn’t even take his coat or shoes off, he looked so excited by the contents of the envelope.  
“What is this?” I asked, curiously looking at it.  
“Just open it, will you?” He hurriedly gestured towards the letter. I laughed and did as I was told. Inside the envelope, there were two tickets and a house key, with a huge number 12 on it. The tickets were for a flight to Canada, British Columbia and the return time on it was a week after Christmas. I looked up at him, my lips are slightly open from the shock.  
“It’s a two weeks getaway for you and me. My dad owns a cabin up in the mountains and I just bought ourselves the best two weeks of our lives.” He smiled and I didn’t know what to say. I just stood there, looking at him with wide eyes and a slight smile on my lips.  
“Chandler I-...” I was speechless. So instead I closed the distance between us and kissed him passionately. I honestly don’t know what I did to deserve him. He was just heart stoppingly breathtaking. I showered him with kisses and suffocated the laugh that was about to break out of him with my cherry lips.  
“I’ve never been to Canada before” I said, meaningless and unpopular opinion but I had to say it out loud.  
“I know. Hence the surprise” he chuckled.  
“Thank you” I whispered and wrapping my arms around his neck, I kissed him again, but gently and slowly this time.  
“Let’s get packing” he said and gently pushed me into the bedroom. 

I was freezing. And I thought New York was bad in the winter. Well it didn’t measure up to British Columbia. The snow was falling in huge, fat flakes and everywhere I looked, it was white. White, white, white. It was blinding as the sunshine reflected from the surface of the ice. When I first laid eyes on the cabin, I cried. It was stunning. I never felt this kind of happiness and being loved to this level was like nothing else I’ve ever experienced.  
“I told you you will love it” he said and carrying my suitcase he fought his way to the house through the thick layer of snow. I silently followed him and locked the door behind me. The cabin was only a living room, a tiny kitchen, bathroom and bedroom. There were Christmas lights all around on the walls and the whole place smelled like orange and cinnamon. A tiny Christmas tree was standing alone in the corner, waiting to be dressed appropriately for the big day.  
In front of the huge fireplace there was a couch and a thick and soft looking black carpet on the floor.  
That night, we initiated that carpet. It was the most romantic night of my life. He was incredibly gentle and whispered sweet nothings into my ears as he made me feel like a true goddess with his burning kisses and feather soft touches. I will never forget that night.  
Afterward, we just laid in front of a warm fire. Simply, just laid there and enjoyed each other’s presence. He rested his back against the sofa and I had my back against his bare chest, his arms around me, covered with a very soft blanket. I absently played with his fingers as I was watching the flames dance with each other. He kissed my temple and asked me how I was.  
“Never felt better” I answered. I was in heaven. I thought about how I found the guy I wanted to spend my whole life with. Butterflies couldn’t be compared to what I was feeling inside. Sometimes he calls me the devil. I make him want to sin. But then, sometimes, he tells me I’m an angel sent from heaven for him. That I was made for him. His angel.  
Suddenly I moved up on my knees and turned to him. Cupping his face I kissed him lightly.  
“I wanna be the best you’ve ever had” I breathed.  
“You are the best I’ve ever had” he answered, looking into my eyes and that was enough to make me want him again.  
“You are my own snowflake” I told him smiling and rubbed the tip of my nose against his. He pulled away and looked at me confused.  
“There aren’t two snowflakes the same. All of them are unique in their own way. You’re my one in seven billion” 

****

Tears raced down her face again and she started to hyperventilate. The thought of those days made her presence ache even more. Her whole body was shaking and she once again struggled to breath. The pain in her chest was unbearable and she gripped her clothes, as if she was trying to scrape her heart out, anything to stop it from hurting. Anything to make the pain go away. 

Chandler knocked on the dark wooden door.  
“Hey you” Eva smiled seductively at him and stood aside, giving him a way in. Chandler walked in, but for once being there, it didn’t feel right. His mind kept repeating the moment he confessed to Phoebe. His cheek was still hurting from the slap. And he deserved it. He knew that.  
“What is up with you, you look like you just lost your goldfish.” Eva pouted and for the first time that night, he looked at her. She was wearing some expensive silk lingerie and matching robe. But funnily enough, the sight of her gorgeous figure did nothing to him. He kept wishing it was Phoebe who was standing there like that and he wished he was with her. On the way to Eva’s, he thought about what he said to Phoebe. Her immaturity made her sweet and innocent sometimes and he took great pleasure in listening to her silly songs and he suddenly wished he hadn’t said those things to her. He didn’t even notice that Eva was kissing his neck. Fear and panic blinded him and the thought of losing Phoebe forever brought tears to his eyes.  
“Oh my god what have I done?” He whispered to thin air. His heart pounded in his chest and his hands were sweating.  
“You did the right thing. You’re better off without her” she said and gently turned his head to kiss him. Chandler tried to relax into the kiss but couldn’t. And Eva felt it.  
“Okay. Try to relax. Chase her out of your mind and focus on me. Can you do that?” She sounded frustrated. Chandler just nodded. And she kissed him again but it felt cold and strange. He didn’t feel the warmth Phoebe’s kisses brought and it didn’t make his heart explode with love. It almost felt… cheap. Eva’s touch made his skin itch and her presence was poisonous. She was like a poison ivy, leaving an ugly rash on his skin wherever she touched him. Ugly, red, itching spots. He put his hands on her shoulders and pushed her away.  
“I’m sorry Eva. I can’t do this. I’m asking the boss to transfer you somewhere else. And please don’t ever contact me. I need to go” he said and practically ran out of the building. Every step he took, he felt like he was suffocating. He felt panic rising up on his body and he had to stop for a second to be able to think clearly. Why had he said those things to her? What was wrong with him? He thought back to when they spent two weeks in Canada. Just the two of them. Two magical weeks and that’s when he realised that she was the one he wanted to be with. The love of his life. So why did he distance himself from her? Why did the thought or even the possibility of sleeping with someone like Eva cross his mind? Instead of Phoebe? What went wrong? Where did he go wrong? The thought of cheating on her was literally killing him now.  
Because you’re an ass, that’s why. And you don’t deserve someone like Phoebe, and inner voice said.  
He waved a cab off and getting in, he gave the driver his address. He prayed Phoebe would listen to him. But who was he kidding? Even he wouldn’t listen to him. But Phoebe wasn’t like him. She was pure. She always forgave him, doesn’t matter what he said to her. He thought this time she would at least just listen. That’s all he was hoping for. She would be a fool to forgive him.  
He paid the driver and made his way up to his apartment. When he opened the door, everything was eerily silent. No lights were on and no sight of Phoebe. Invisible claws were gripping his heart tightly as he quietly closed the door and walked to his bedroom. Slowly opening the door, he peaked in. There she was, sound asleep in his bed, facing the door and she was holding tightly onto something, but he couldn’t make out what it was. Walking in he allowed himself to look at her for a second, to take in her breathtaking beauty. She was still wearing the dress she had on when he came home. It was their anniversary, he remembered. He couldn’t believe how he behaved. How he didn’t see what she did for him. He thought of the food she prepared and the way she made the table. How could he be such a douche bag? He never appreciated her more than he did at that very moment. She was quite something.  
Lowering himself down to his knees, he rested his head on his hands. He just looked at her. She was holding one of his shirts and his heart ached for her. He made a mental promise to never ever hurt her again. He will be damned if she sheds another tear because of him. Reaching out, he moved a stray of hair out of her face and his eyes traced her graceful features. Her mascara was ruined from all the crying and were all over her cheeks. Yet, with all that, she was still the most beautiful woman to him. To his touch she stirred but didn’t seem to wake up. But then her eyelashes fluttered and her eyes opened slowly.  
“Hey” he whispered smiling and kept caressing her face softly.  
“You’re back” she said, her voice was merely a whisper. Like she couldn’t believe her eyes. As if they could deceive her by making her see him when he actually wasn’t there. She made no move, just laid there looking at him.  
“Like I could ever leave you” he chuckled and for a second the only sounds were their breathing. He didn’t turn any lights on, the orange like lights from the street lit up the room.  
“But you said-...” she started and he quickly silenced her with a finger on her soft lips. She sat up and looked at him questioningly.  
“Forget what I said. I’m an idiot. Idiots say things a person should never allowed to. And you were never meant to hear those words. They’re not true. I don’t know what has gotten into me. I can’t explain my actions, I was a fool. And only a fool could be this…” he tried to find the right word but couldn’t.  
“I don’t know if you can find it in your heart to forgive me but… I’m sorry. I know one minute it’s love and suddenly it’s like a battlefield. But I never meant to start a war. Not with you. You deserve so much better than that. And if I could kick myself in the chicken tenders, I would for breaking your heart the way I did. I surrender. When I realised that I probably lost you, I can’t explain the fear that fell on me. I was terrified that you would hate me. I’m not asking you to take me back. But I’m asking you to find it in you, in your heart to forgive me.” He stopped and intertwined their fingers. Swallowing, he looked her in the eye.  
“If you do forgive me and decide to take me back, I will take you, your good days with your bad ones. I will take you at your best and your worst. You shout, I swear, you get angry, I get scared. You fall, I break, You mess up and I make mistakes. We’re made for each other and I know you know it. I mean I know that you’re the perfect half of my being. I just need you to tell me if I am the other not so perfect half.” He finished and waited. She didn’t speak, just looked at her with tears in her eyes. Damn it, she was crying again. He made her cry again.  
“You’ve always been the one” she whispered and gently kissed him.  
“Let’s go out with a bang”


End file.
